Chapter 6: Asserting What You Want And Don’t Want: Supporting Your Feelings With Action
“The aim of assertion is not to get better at getting what you want. Rather, the idea here is to speak your truth so that you can see yourself more fully and feel yourself more deeply, allowing you to stay connected to your own flow of energy. Often, when you do this, you also see that getting what you want is not essential to who you are. Experiencing your feelings and expressing yourself are.”
“The primary message of Gestalt is “stay with your feelings, experience and express them fully, and don’t be inhibited by your fear of others’ disapproval.””
“Continue to express yourself, even when it seems you have little chance of getting what you ask for.”
“You give an event meaning according to your beliefs and fears.”
Asserting Wants and Don’t Wants
- When asking for what you want, use I messages, not you-should messages.
- Use concrete, specific language.
- Say what you want, not what you don’t want. Asserting what you do want is a bigger commitment for you, and it’s easier for the other to take in.
- Express your wants even if you have little chance of getting what you’re asking for. Asserting is like other forms of self-expression – it keeps your energy moving instead of getting stuck in protective patterns. Experiencing your feelings and expressing yourself are essential. The results are less important.
- To become aware of any false beliefs about asserting yourself that you may have acquired in childhood, check to see if you have any painful childhood memories associated with asking for what you want. False beliefs create bottlenecks; you energy gets constricted or stuck. Self-expression helps to free up the blockage.
- Many people have a patterned way of asking for what they want. Notice how you ask for things. Are you avoiding discomfort – your o another’s – with these patterns?
- When saying what you want, practice painting a picture with your words and putting yourself and the other in that picture. Doing this helps you to be specific. Also, your wants sound more appealing to the other person, and you have the chance to use your very fertile imagination.