Introduction
What makes a difficult conversation hard is our fear of the consequences.
“There is no such thing as a diplomatic hand grenade.” Tact is good, but it’s not the answer to difficult conversations.
We must move to a more constructive approach called a learning conversation.
“No matter how good you get, difficult conversations will always challenge you.”
“There is no such thing as a diplomatic hand grenade.” Tact is good, but it’s not the answer to difficult conversations.
We must move to a more constructive approach called a learning conversation.
“No matter how good you get, difficult conversations will always challenge you.”
The Problem
Chapter 1: Sort Out the Three Conversations
All difficult conversations share a common structure. No matter what the subject, our thoughts and feelings fall into the same three categories, or “conversations”.
1. The “What Happened” Conversation?
Assumptions we usually have
- We assume we know the intentions of others when we don’t.
- We blame the other for causing the problem instead of understanding how have we contributed to the problem.
2. The Feelings Conversation
The question is not whether to raise our feelings, but how should we handle them. Difficult conversations are at their very core about feelings.
3. The Identity Conversations
It’s about who we are and how we see ourselves. It’s about what I am saying to myself about me. In this process, you may lose your balance. The important thing is to regain it.
“Difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values. They are not about what a contract states, they are about what a contract means… they are not about what is true, they are about what is important.”
“Changing our stance means inviting the other person into the conversation with us, to help us figure things out. If we’re going to achieve our purposes, we have lots we need to learn from them and lots they need to learn from us. We need to have a learning conversation.”