Chapter 6: Ground Your Identity: Ask Yourself What’s at Stake
“Our anxiety results not just from having to face the other person, but from having to face ourselves. The conversation has the potential to disrupt our sense of who we are in the world, or to highlight what we hope we are but fear we are not. The conversation poses a threat to our identity – the story we tell ourselves about ourselves – and having our identity threatened can be profoundly disturbing.”
Three Core Identity Issues
1. Am I Competent?
2. Am I a Good Person?
3. Am I Worthy of Love?
“An identity quake can knock us off balance.” It’s because of this that one must think clearly and honestly about who we are.
Be careful of having one of these vulnerable identities:
- The All-or-Nothing Syndrome
- Denial
- Exaggeration
We Let Their Feedback Define Who We Are
“Improving your ability to manage the Identity Conversation has two steps. First, you need to become familiar with those identity issues that are important to you, so you can spot them during a conversation. Second, you need to learn to integrate new information into your identity in ways that are healthy.”
Step 1: Become aware of your identity issues.
Step 2: Complexify your identity (adopt the And Stance)
“Life is too complex for any reasonable person to feel otherwise. Indeed, a self image that allows for complexity is healthy and robust; it provides a sturdy foundation on which to stand.”
Three things to accept about yourself
1. You will make mistakes
2. Your intentions are complex
3. You have contributed to the problem
During a conversation: Learn to regain your balance
A young student said to the master, “You never lose your balance. What is your secret?”
“You are wrong,” O Sensei replied. “I am constantly losing my balance. My skill lies in my ability to regain it.”
Four things to do to regain your balance
1. Let go of trying to control their reaction
2. Prepare for their response
3. Imagining the future to gain perspective
4. If you lose your balance, take a break
Take into account these things about them; it will make the conversation easier
- Their identity is also implicated
- Think about raising identity issues explicitly (sometimes it may or may not help)
- Find the courage to ask for help (If someone you loved were in the situation you find yourself in, would you think it was okay for them to ask for help? Why should you be held to a different standard? In the future, you may have the opportunity to return the favor.)