Chapter 3: Don’t Assume They Meant It: Disentangle Intent from Impact
“Intentions strongly influence our judgments of others: If someone intended to hurt us, we judge them more harshly than if they hurt us by mistake. We’re willing to be inconvenienced by someone if they have a good reason; we’re irritated if we think they just don’t care about the impact of their actions on us.”
Two Key Mistakes
The First Mistake: Our Assumptions About Intentions Are Often Wrong
“We make an attribution about another person’s intentions based on the impact of their actions on us.”
Some things to take into account
- We assume the worst.
- We treat ourselves more charitable.
- Are there never bad intentions?
- We assume bad intentions mean bad character (don’t jump from “they had bad intentions” to “they are a bad person”.) Remember you’re basing your conclusion only on the impact of their behavior on you.
- Accusing them of bad intentions creates defensiveness.
- Attributions can become self-fulfilling (“before we know it, our assumption that they have bad intentions toward us has come true.”)
How to avoid this mistake; disentangle impact and intent
Ask yourself these three questions:
1. Actions: “What did the other person actually say or do?”
2. Impact: “What was the impact of this on me?”
3. Assumption: “Based on this impact, what assumption am I making about what the other person intended?”
You can start the conversation by answering to these three questions. Remember to label them as a hypothesis, especially your assumptions.
Actions that are helpful
- Hold your view as a hypothesis.
- Disentangle impact and intent
- Share the impact on you; inquire about their intentions.
- Don’t pretend you don’t have a hypothesis (if sharing this, always state them as guesses and try that the other person understands you.)
- Some defensiveness is inevitable (make the other person’s job easier by not having the need to defend themselves.)
The Second Mistake: Good Intentions Don’t Sanitize Bad Impact
“It is useful to attempt to clarify your intentions. The question is when.”
Some things to take into account
- We ignore the complexity of human motivations.
- We aggravate hostility – especially between groups.
How to avoid this mistake; listen for feelings, and reflect on you intentions
Actions that are helpful
- Listen past the accusation for the feeling
- “Remember that the accusation about our bad intentions is always made up of two separate ideas: (1) we had bad intentions and (2) the other person was frustrated, hurt, or embarrassed.”
- Listen and acknowledge the feelings and then return to the question of intentions.
- Be open to reflecting on the complexity of your intentions
- Try to avoid the tendency to say, “My intentions were pure.”
“Understanding how we distort other’s intentions, making difficult conversations even more difficult, is crucial to untangling what happened between us. However, there’s still the question of who is to blame.”