Chapter 5: Have Your Feelings (Or They Will Have You)
“Our failure to acknowledge and discuss feelings derails a startling number of difficult conversations. And the inability to deal openly and well with feelings can undermine the quality and health of our relationships.”
About Unexpressed Feelings
- We try to frame feelings out of the problem (don’t do that!)
- Unexpressed feelings can leak into the conversation (if clogged, your emotional pipes will leak). “Unexpressed feelings can create so much tension that you disengage.”
- Unexpressed feelings can burst into the conversation.
- Unexpressed feelings make it difficult to listen. “Good listening requires an open and honest curiosity about the other person, and a willingness and ability to keep the spotlight on them.”
- Unexpressed feelings take a toll on our self-esteem and relationships. “By keeping your feelings out of the relationship you are keeping an important part of yourself out of the relationship.”
What To Do With Our Feelings? Dialogue with Them!
1. Sort out just what your feelings are (learn where they hide, explore your emotional footprint).
2. Negotiate with your feelings.
3. Share your actual feelings, not attributions or judgments about the other person.
Have This In Mind (Actions That Makes It Easier)
- Accept that feelings are normal and natural.
- Recognize that good people can have bad feelings.
- Learn that your feelings are as important as theirs.
- Don’t let hidden feelings block other emotions.
- Lift the lid on attributions and judgments (judgments may seem like feelings when we are saying them.)
- Use the urge to blame as a clue to find important feelings.
- Don’t treat feelings as gospel (Rule 2: try to get everything you are feeling into the conversation. Rule 1: before saying what you are feeling, negotiate with your feelings.)
- Don’t vent: describe feelings carefully
- Express your feelings without judging, attributing, or blaming.
- Don’t monopolize: both sides can have strong feelings at the same time.
- An easy reminder: say, “I feel…”.
- Acknowledge and understand the other person’s feelings.
Three Guidelines for Expressing Your Feelings
1. Frame feelings back into the problem (remember that they’re important).
2. Express the full spectrum of your feelings.
3. Don’t evaluate, just share.
A Landscape of Sometimes Hard-to-Find Feelings
- Love: affectionate, caring, close, proud, passionate.
- Anger: frustrated, exasperated, enraged, indignant.
- Hurt: let down, betrayed, disappointed, needy.
- Shame: embarrassed, guilty, regretful, humiliated, self-loathing.
- Fear: anxious, terrified, worried, obsessed, suspicious.
- Self-Doubt: inadequate, unworthy, inept, unmotivated.
- Joy: happy, enthusiastic, full, elated, content.
- Sadness: bereft, wistful, joyless, depressed.
- Jealousy: envious, selfish, covetous, anguished, yearning.
- Gratitude: appreciative, thankful, relieved, admiring.
- Loneliness: desolate, abandoned, empty, longing.
“Sometimes feelings are all that matter.”