Chapter 5: Welcoming Feedback: It’s How We Learn
“Welcoming feedback means that you want to hear the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable. It means you’re genuinely curious and interested in other people’s realities.”
“A couple of lessons: first, if you let fear get in the way of honest communication, you lose your power to create magic; and second, if people are afraid to tell you the truth, you could wind up in the basement like my father!”
Feedback Practices
1. Asking for it out of the blue.
- “Is there anything you have to say to me that you haven’t said?”
2. Asking for it in response to something another person says.
- “I heard you say, ________, and I felt something funny in my gut. I’m wondering if there’s something going on between you and me that I’m not aware of.”
3. Noticing something that piques your interest.
- “I noticed ________, and it seems like something I’ve never seen you do before (or it seems like it’s getting to be a pattern with us, and so on). I’m wondering what’s going on. I’d like us to be open and honest with each other, even if it’s uncomfortable at times.”
4. Having a regularly scheduled feedback ritual.
- Daily, weekly, monthly… whatever feels right.
Practices for Receiving Feedback
- Pause and take it in.
- Notice the sensations and feelings in your body.
- Notice your thoughts: Do you agree with the feedback or not?
- It’s your choice what you do about the feedback. You are not obligated to change anything.
- Listen to your self-talk.
- Acknowledge him or her for what he or she has said.
- If it’s not clear, ask to be more specific.
- See if you can adopt an attitude of openness to learning.
- Avoid defending yourself, making excuses for what you did, or passing the buck.
- Sometimes words are not necessary; breathe slowly and deeply.
- Sometimes quick, impulsive self-expression can be an escape from feeling the discomfort of your true feelings.
- If you choose to respond verbally to the feedback right away, start with your experience as you hear the feedback (sensations, emotions, thoughts, judgments, and self-talk)
- “Being open to feedback does not mean you swallow the other’s impressions of you as the truth. It means letting the feedback in and letting it have an impact on you. Listening to feedback is different from agreeing with it or taking it on… You are the one who decides whether or not to make any changes based on what you have heard.”
Offering Constructive Feedback
1. Both people need to agree that it is a good time to share feedback.
2. Being aware of your intent is another important element (do you want the other person to see how you are seeing him or her, or do you want the other to change so you won’t feel uncomfortable?)
3. Feedback is most helpful and most in line with relating when you do not criticize or ask the other person to change.
4. It’s best to share your feedback as close to the time you felt the feelings as possible.
5. If you notice the other person getting defensive, be prepared to actively listen to him.
Welcoming Feedback
- Asking for feedback strengthens your capacity to connect and to form intimate relationships.
- It establishes the fact that you are interested in the other person’s input, thus helping to build trust.
- Welcoming feedback allows the other person to unload whatever they may be feeling about you and to get over it.
- When receiving feedback, get centered, breathe, and aim to relate – to know and be known.
- When giving feedback, be sure it’s a good time for the other person to hear it. Be specific, and tell about you and your feelings. Don’t judge, interpret, or prescribe what the other should do.
- In your important relationships, set aside some regular time for feedback or clearing rituals: resentments and appreciations, sharing withholds, or stating, “When you ______, I felt ______.”
“A couple of lessons: first, if you let fear get in the way of honest communication, you lose your power to create magic; and second, if people are afraid to tell you the truth, you could wind up in the basement like my father!”
Feedback Practices
1. Asking for it out of the blue.
- “Is there anything you have to say to me that you haven’t said?”
2. Asking for it in response to something another person says.
- “I heard you say, ________, and I felt something funny in my gut. I’m wondering if there’s something going on between you and me that I’m not aware of.”
3. Noticing something that piques your interest.
- “I noticed ________, and it seems like something I’ve never seen you do before (or it seems like it’s getting to be a pattern with us, and so on). I’m wondering what’s going on. I’d like us to be open and honest with each other, even if it’s uncomfortable at times.”
4. Having a regularly scheduled feedback ritual.
- Daily, weekly, monthly… whatever feels right.
Practices for Receiving Feedback
- Pause and take it in.
- Notice the sensations and feelings in your body.
- Notice your thoughts: Do you agree with the feedback or not?
- It’s your choice what you do about the feedback. You are not obligated to change anything.
- Listen to your self-talk.
- Acknowledge him or her for what he or she has said.
- If it’s not clear, ask to be more specific.
- See if you can adopt an attitude of openness to learning.
- Avoid defending yourself, making excuses for what you did, or passing the buck.
- Sometimes words are not necessary; breathe slowly and deeply.
- Sometimes quick, impulsive self-expression can be an escape from feeling the discomfort of your true feelings.
- If you choose to respond verbally to the feedback right away, start with your experience as you hear the feedback (sensations, emotions, thoughts, judgments, and self-talk)
- “Being open to feedback does not mean you swallow the other’s impressions of you as the truth. It means letting the feedback in and letting it have an impact on you. Listening to feedback is different from agreeing with it or taking it on… You are the one who decides whether or not to make any changes based on what you have heard.”
Offering Constructive Feedback
1. Both people need to agree that it is a good time to share feedback.
2. Being aware of your intent is another important element (do you want the other person to see how you are seeing him or her, or do you want the other to change so you won’t feel uncomfortable?)
3. Feedback is most helpful and most in line with relating when you do not criticize or ask the other person to change.
4. It’s best to share your feedback as close to the time you felt the feelings as possible.
5. If you notice the other person getting defensive, be prepared to actively listen to him.
Welcoming Feedback
- Asking for feedback strengthens your capacity to connect and to form intimate relationships.
- It establishes the fact that you are interested in the other person’s input, thus helping to build trust.
- Welcoming feedback allows the other person to unload whatever they may be feeling about you and to get over it.
- When receiving feedback, get centered, breathe, and aim to relate – to know and be known.
- When giving feedback, be sure it’s a good time for the other person to hear it. Be specific, and tell about you and your feelings. Don’t judge, interpret, or prescribe what the other should do.
- In your important relationships, set aside some regular time for feedback or clearing rituals: resentments and appreciations, sharing withholds, or stating, “When you ______, I felt ______.”