Chapter 1: How To Stop Being Right And Start Being Real
“We lie to avoid whatever we perceive as dangerous – to our ego, to our comfort, to our safety. Most of all we lie because our sense of safety and self-esteem depends on our feeling in control, in control of how other people react to us, of whether we appear smart of foolish, of whether we’ll get what we want.”
"One of the main problems is that we communicate with the purpose of controlling (more often things that go beyond our control) rather than relating. “Until we take a risk and share authentically, nothing real can happen.”
“It seems that the more your try to get reality to fit within your comfort zone, the more unprepared you are to deal with a world full of surprise, complexity, and change. Likewise, if we persist in trying to get our relationships to conform to our expectations instead of letting them be how they actually are, we may miss important opportunities to know ourselves and others more deeply.”
Relating vs. Controlling
“When we relate we value what is over what should or could be. When you relate, as opposed to when you control, you speak the truth of what you think, feel, and notice as a way of sharing information and making emotional contact – and not as a way of getting a particular outcome. You speak your truth without knowing how this truth will be received.”
The Ten Truth Skills
1. Experiencing what is.
2. Being transparent.
3. Noticing your intent (control or relate).
4. Welcoming feedback.
5. Asserting what you want and don’t want.
6. Taking back projections.
7. Revising an earlier statement.
8. Holding differences (suspending assumptions)
9. Sharing mixed emotions.
10. Embracing the silence
“You learn to participate in life instead of trying to control it.”