Chapter 10: Sharing Mixed Emotions: You’re Not Crazy, You’re Complex
“Confusion simply means that more than one thing is pulling on your attention. The way out of confusion is not to fight it but to allow one of your several feelings to float to the foreground and be expressed, even if you also feel something else in the background.”
“Using the word but in some contexts would have the effect of canceling whatever came before. Using and instead of but sends the message that both parts of the sentence are true.”
Sharing Mixed Emotions
- As with the other truth skills, we’ve seen how important it is to notice what is without praise or blame, to be sincere, to stay with feelings without cutting them off, to express what you feel and allow it to change, and to notice your aim.
- Whenever you care for a person but don’t like something he’s done, you have the opportunity to practice sharing mixed emotions. Other occasions are when you wish to express anger but fear damaging the friendship; when you appreciate the other’s intent, even though they fell short on the execution of that intent; ehen you need to assert your boundaries or wants, while at the same time empathizing with the other; when you have an immediate reaction followed by a more considered response; when you want to do something but are also scared; or when you have one feeling, immediately followed by a thought or judgment about that feeling.
- Start out by sharing whichever feeling or thought is foreground, and then allow the other feeling or feelings to surface and be expressed. Do not assume that one feeling cancels out the other(s). Both (or all) can be true.
- If you appreciate something a person did and also resent something else, start by expressing whichever is in your foreground. Notice whether you feel relaxed or tense. Tension means the resentment is foreground for you, so express that first. Then keep expressing the resentment(s) until your bodily feelings change. When you feel more open and relaxed, and the resentment seems to have faded, share your appreciations.
- After communicating something that you imagine is difficult to receive, stay around long enough to hear and deal with the other person’s response.