Chapter 2: Stop Arguing About Who’s Right: Explore Each Other’s Stories
It is normal to disagree, but that may lead to arguing, which would not help at all.
We think the problem is them: they’re selfish, they’re naïve, they’re controlling, they’re irrational. Our persistence leads to arguments, and these arguments lead nowhere.
They think we are the problem. “Why is it that we never think we are the problem? We don’t see ourselves as the problem because, in fact, we aren’t. What we are saying does make sense. What’s often hard to see is that what the other person is saying also makes sense.”
Arguing inhibits change. People almost never change without first feeling understood. We need to understand the other person’s story well enough to see how their conclusions make sense, and vice versa.
Why we have different stories?
(conclusions, interpretations, observations)
1. We have different information
- We notice different things
- We each know ourselves better than anyone else can
2. We have different interpretations
- We are influenced by past experiences
- We apply different implicit rules
3. Our conclusions reflect self-interest
- We tend to look for information to support our view and give that information the most favorable interpretation.
“Certainty locks us out of their story; curiosity lets us in.”
The And Stance
- Don’t choose between the stories; embrace both.
- “Don’t pretend anything. Don’t worry about accepting or rejecting the other person’s story. First work to understand it.”
- It’s not about who’s right, but about finding a good way to manage the problem.
“Wherever you want to go, understanding – imagining yourself into the other person’s story – has got to be your first step. Before you can figure out how to move forward, you need to understand where you are.”