Chapter 4: Abandon Blame: Map the Contribution System
“Focusing on blame is a bad idea because it inhibits our ability to learn what’s really causing the problem and to do anything meaningful to correct it. And because blame is often irrelevant and unfair. The urge to blame is based, quite literally, on a misunderstanding of what has given rise to the issues between you and the other person, and on the fear of being blamed. Too often, blaming also serves as a bad proxy for talking directly about hurt feelings.”
Blame is about judging; Contribution is about understanding (and looks forward).
Contribution is useful when our goal is to understand what actually happened so that we can improve how we work together in the future.
“As a rule, when things go wrong in human relationships, everyone has contributed in some important way.”
The Costs of the Blame Frame
- When blame is the goal, understanding is the casualty.
- Focusing on blame hinders problem solving.
- Blame can leave a bad system undiscovered.
The Benefits of Understanding Contribution
- Contribution is easier to raise.
- Contribution encourages learning and change.
Three Misconceptions about contribution
1. I should focus only on my contribution (“understanding is the goal, not assigning percentages.)
2. Putting aside blame means putting aside my feelings
3. Exploring contribution means “blaming the victim” (“If we are looking to help you feel empowered in the world, we would encourage you to find your contribution. You may not be able to change other people’s contributions, but you can often change your own.”)
Four Hard-to-Spot Contributions
1. Avoiding until now
2. Being unapproachable
3. Intersections (differences between two people in background, preferences, communication style, or assumption about relationships.)
4. Problematic role assumptions
Two Tools for Spotting Contributions
1. Role Reversal (Ask yourself, “What would they say I’m contributing?”)
2. The Observer’s Insight (Step back and look at the problem from the perspective of a disinterested observer.)
Map the Contribution System
- What are they contributing?
- What am I contributing?
- Who else is involved?
Some actions that help to shift from blame to contribution
- Take responsibility of your contribution early (this prevents them from using it as a shield to avoid the discussion of their own contribution.)
- Help them understand their contribution.
- Make your observations and reasoning explicit (actions and reactions).
- Clarify what you would have them do differently.
“The goal is to understand better what’s happened between you, so that you can start to talk constructively about where to go next.”